Dating Over 50: How To Navigate the 5 Stages of Dating to Create a Lasting and Loving Relationship!

then you get married and then you’ll startgoing through your five stages over again if you rush through them don’tworry you’ll go through them again and again until you get it all done thanks so much for tuning in again to secondact tv i am so happy to have dr john gray back on our program today uh john thank you somuch for staying over oh i’m so happy to be with you it’s one of my favorite topics welljohn we just finished a very emotional segment on starting over again after the loss of a lovedone and as we said in the last segment we’ll link to it let’s get into something that appliesto everyone starting over at 50 not just you know we have very different reasons for startingover be it divorce be it loss of a loved one uh but one thing that’s that ithink we all have in common for the most part at 50 60 whatever we are we’renot a whole lot smarter about relationships than we were at 20 or 30.And in yourthe book that i want to draw from now uh is the mars venus on a date you outline whichreally speaks to me this uh linear approach to dating you know is the five stages of datingthat you say if i’m paraphrasing correctly is you have we have to go through that in orderto get it right so let’s talk about that how do we start again and how are men and women differentin this process because we do sabotage a lot by not understanding what the other one is goingthrough so i’m going to fulfill what you’ve just asked of me by doing a little foundationwork first okay when you’re starting over statistically men are married in three years andwomen if they get married again are nine years okay so that there’s a difference there betweenmen and women and this is this is important to understand men so you don’t take it the wrongway women because often a guy will get a divorce and suddenly he’s uh dating a woman he’s gota new wardrobe he bought a new car uh he looks clean-shaven or whatever you know he’s gonethrough this big change he looks really happy this happens a lot and she goes why’d that happennow now it’s hard not to think what am i am i chop liver or something you didn’t you didn’t reallylove me or what’s going on on the surface is how could you start another relationship so quicklyyou must not love me and that’s a lie okay it has nothing to do with you has to do with he needslove and men can most easily find love through sex women don’t find love through sex as a majorsource women can find love through friendship through their children through nature tothat but men primarily find love through sex and so he needs to feel love so he’ll go after sexhas nothing to do with her but she will think oh he didn’t really love me and that will addto resentment inside of her which is usually when people get divorced that somebody’sfeeling they didn’t get the love they needed so that’s the first step second step don’ttake that personally second step if you don’t understand how you contributed to the breakup thenit’s really hard to start over again you will feel on the surface i can’t trust men but actuallygo a little deeper you can’t trust yourself why can’t you trust yourself because whenyou fell in love you thought he was the one nobody gets married unless they think this is theone right so quite often if there’s resentment often characterized by the phrase i gave and gaveand i didn’t get back i’m so good and i didn’t get back actually i’m so good i didn’t get back coversup the reality that it takes two people to end a relationship both people contribute to endinga relationship it’s very painful to think of i contributed to this when you have so muchevidence it was their fault and this could be a man as well complaining about hiswife you know i tried everything i know usually what men say is no matter what idid it was never enough she was never happy i did this and this and women will say youknow i did this and this and i got nothing back because the little two different worlds we live inbut the reality is if you feel that resentment it means you haven’t yet seen how you contributed tothe problem and based upon your lack of knowledge you make mistakes we all do we need guidance weneed understanding maybe the place i was coming from at the time was a mistake and i pickedthe wrong man because sometimes you do pick the wrong man of the wrong woman and that could bepart of it but why did you pick the wrong person why if you’re a woman for example oftenone of the reasons there’s many reasons but we’re skimming the surface trying to get as muchmaterial we can in the interview but one of the reasons is you were more you you were sexuallyattracted to the man you fell in love with that could be a reason why your relationshipfailed if you have daddy issues which means that your father wasn’t available to you quiteoften you have issues in life where you’re a people pleaser so you get loved by pleasing mennow this is just for women not for men and that can for some women be i get turned on to menwho are not available i get turned on to men who uh are dangerous you have to look at that as oneof the issues you have and if you have that issue then in the dating process if you find yourselfgetting turned on to a man without knowing him and being known by him run the other way that’sa very important concept who are you attracted to and why are you attracted to them for womenthe first stage of dating is attraction you know you’re attracted to somebody women if you want topick the right guy for you in most cases it’s a guy that you don’t feel turned on to who’s moreattracted to you than you’re attracted to them it could be mutual but generally speaking he ismore attracted to you he might be shy so you might have to let him know that he can be attracted toyou okay so but basically that’s the attraction stage you have to know where you need to start outfrom is you need to have conversation you need to know his mind he needs to know your mind and ifyou can still be turned on to him that’s possible potential so conversation in conversation anddating if you want to make sure attraction grows make sure that you talk more than him don’task him so many questions i’m telling you women particularly they don’t understand men but alsowhen they’re feeling insecure they want to ask a lot of questions okay i want to know whatyou think because deep inside your you don’t know that men and women are different and mamaalways said if you want somebody to be interested in you be interested in them well that’s greatadvice for a guy if i want you to be interested in me i’m going to show you i’m interested inyou and i’m asked questions and i’m going to learn about you and get to know you all of thatwill stimulate in you the hormones of attraction but if i talk about myself the whole time i’mnot going to be attracted to you anymore i’m attracted to myself i like myself more andlike you less so you know a little give and take is good you wouldn’t want to be talkingthe whole time you practice another important dating skill to increase attraction which isyou would always speak your mind authentically and truthfully you wouldn’t cover up thingsthat you’re afraid he might disagree with let’s say he’s a republican and you’re ademocrat you say oh i would never vote for trump really why would not vote for trumphe said why would you vote for trump and he’ll tell you all the reasons and you don’tget mad at him first of all you say well i see why you’re saying that well that makes sense welli hadn’t thought of it that way and then you give your point of view and then he wants to make youwrong and shall no no i think you’re okay being where you are but i have this point of viewand this is why i think it and but you should he’ll he’ll see people today don’t know how tocommunicate they always try to win their point of view change someone and be right but he’lldo it less if you’re a woman and you basically give him what he needs his give him like atreat oh would that make sense that’s a good idea i hadn’t thought of it that way and lethim experience for the first time in his life disagreeing with a woman who’s nottrying to change his point of view and if you’re a man give a woman the experienceand the dating of having a different point of view and not trying to change hers in any wayso let’s say authenticity is well i don’t like men who do this and you do that you shouldn’t dothat okay that’s not what i’m talking about here is you could say well i don’t really like men whodo that but you know why do you do that you know you’re not trying to change him that’s what weneed and we don’t have it today you see we’ve got this huge confusion and everybody wantsto be right everybody wants to change somebody attraction grows when somebody’s not trying tochange you and you’re authentically different differences attract if you try to be what hewants you what you think he wants you to be and you change yourself you’re no longer going tobe attracted to him he won’t be attracted to you is what i meant to say all right so that’s stageone attraction so now stage two is uncertainty if you’re dating a guy and i want to say againbecause a lot of people this is after 50.Don’t go on a even while you’re in the attractionstage don’t be in a job interview this sabotages your whole potential to have find the rightperson for you as well as to enjoy dating if if i have to give you anotherexample if you’re house shopping you come see my house as a guest you think ihave a beautiful house if you come house shopping here you might buy this house you’re going toimmediately see everything that’s wrong with it you want to know electric bills gas bills arethere rats other is there mold under the house is it insulated what are your heating bills allthis you find out you know you hire people to come in you actually hire people to come in and checkout the house so don’t do that don’t do that at all so what’s your goal what you’re saying isonce you start being you you’re now attracted to someone you start questioning yourself that’snormal that’s step two that’s step two but before you get you won’t even get there so fast okayyou wanna rush these stages you wanna stay in the attraction stage as long as possible andwhat kicks you out of it into uncertainty is looking for the right person you don’t want tolook for your soul mate you don’t want to look for the right person you don’t you just don’t wantto look for the right you don’t want to spend time with the wrong person okay so it should justbe for a woman ideally it should be someone who’s more interested in you than you’re interested inthem for a man it would be you’re more interested in her than she’s interested in you because thenhe has to put forth himself to win you over and you have to be won over see that’s the male femalepolarity if you’re eagerly trying to impress him he’ll be he’s thinking he’s the king and he’llget lazy i’m telling you this is how it’s all about men grow in their attraction to youwhen they feel they’re offering you something when you’re offering him somethingit diminishes his attraction it’s just many women are very uncomfortablereceiving from a man if you can’t receive you can’t receive you want to have a manlove you you got to learn to receive you it’s not you don’t have to be obligated togive back your happiness your delight your smile is enough and for the men listening tothe show it’s you need to step forward and provide things physically for her you need to dothings physically for her so you listen you don’t try to change her on an intellectual level youhave conversation then through behaviors you do things that allow her to feel supported that she’snot doing everything herself so having said that don’t interview him on his past relationships anddon’t talk about your past relationships with him be with him and don’t be shopping this is nota job interview i remember this dr phil episode where phil was in the woman’s ear you know we’redoing an interview to find the right man for you the opposite is create a series of positive datingexperiences that’s your only goal what’s going to happen is when you create this series of positivedating experiences along the way you’re going to attract the right man it’s going to happen i wantto ask you something about that because on our last on our last and we’ll link to to the segmentabout your book beyond mars and venus and there was a comment that i a couple comments i got fromviewers said well why would i go out with the man i’m not attracted to or just practice wouldn’tthat isn’t that unfair to him have you know you’re saying take me out to dinner and and youknow i’m not really attracted why would i do that and i i was gonna i wanted to askyou that how do you answer that oh the greatest gift you give to a man isto let him give you something and enjoy it so she’s not taking it what are you a prostitutehe pays for dinner now you have to have sex with him don’t lower yourself to that men wantto be with a woman you know there’s nothing that raises a man’s testosterone more thanbeing in the presence of a woman who’s happy you’re giving a gift by being happy by notbeing demanding not expecting him to be more not being in a job interview not questioning him nottesting him but just he’s interested in you enjoy it that’s very hard for women because they don’tunderstand what makes men tick what makes men tick is to feel i can make a woman happy not alwaysbecause there’s such a pressure on men these days to score to have sex just because you let himgive to you doesn’t mean you have to have sex maybe you feel a little attraction afterhe’s done something nice for you might feel something good enough for a kiss good nightthat’s enough yeah cause goodnight if he if he makes that move and then then you know he says ohlet me come in let’s do not yet i like to go slow that’s it and if you do have some sexual feelingsfor them don’t have sex right away it’s too soon yeah well i think you separated andthen what you say and then what you say is yes i love to have sex but i haveto go slow i need to go slow and you do yeah well you separate that i believe if iremember right in your stages is that you separate exclusivity and intimacy and you warn not to jumpto intimacy before you are in the exclusivity stage okay let’s go through the steps okay sothe first thing once you’re now dating a guy and there’s a lot of attraction or guysshould i always do both sides there’s just yeah no both sides is great so you’re you’rein this dating thing going on here and suddenly she becomes very very special to you he becomesvery special to you there’s a thing going on here and yeah and and you feel this might be theone or this could be someone i want to be that vulnerable with and have sex with and soforth as soon as you start to feel this could be the one maybe you’ve already had sex becauseeverybody does have sex so fast these days but regardless at a certain point you feel maybe thisis the one i’d like to have a serious relationship with or if i’m looking for a marriage partner thismight be the one as soon as you go into a certain level of success then doubt kicks in that’snatural so when you start feeling really close to someone whether you’re a man or woman now you’llstart to doubt them you have to doubt your doubts okay this is your insecurities are coming upparticularly if you’ve been married before you’ve already been burnt once now you’re thinkingabout putting your hands in the fire again we have these unconscious automatic reactionsinside which causes to be picky which causes to be critical which causes us to be judgmental orand that’s particularly for men for women it causes them to feel needy and insecure and wantto talk about the relationship they feel kind of an urgency you know we need to talk are youfeeling are you on the same level as me with this how do you feel about me don’t have any of thoseconversations when men go into the uncertainty stage grass always looks greener on the otherside of the fence that’s just the reality okay this is just happens inside of a man andit’s biological particularly if he’s already had sex with you so that’s why you don’t want to rushsex you want to have him really become attached to your sense of humor your smile your interactionsyour conversations you’re easy to please he can buy things for you he can do things for you he candrive you in the car oh he enjoy being with you see he’s got all that bonding so that then aftersex he’s going to lose his bonding it’s just biologically men’s testosterone goes down aftersex so he doesn’t have all those romantic feelings he needs to pull away this is a withdrawal soyou know you might have had that amazing romantic getaway for three days at a hotel and have all thesex and then he ignores you okay you got too close too soon so he’s going to go knock right overto uncertainty but if he’s backed off and come back backed off and come back backed off and comeback what happens is his brain is wired that i can always come back with more love so he stays bondedto you he stays bonded to you then the grass isn’t better on the other side of the fence he has achance to experience something that i teach men particularly men over 40 have never beenmarried they don’t understand their body you see it’s natural for them to lose theirphysical attraction after having sex with a woman yeah that was one of the biggest things that ilearned from your last talk that’s so interesting the pulling back or why men don’t want to cuddleyeah well cuddling is estrogen producing and then too much estrogen lowers testosterone andalso ejaculation in men lowers testosterone 50 so the idea is don’t move in with themright away let them live in a different place people rush together right away too muchtogetherness doesn’t give him a chance to miss you miss you miss you and for you so he pulls awaythere’s going to be some uncertainty on your side you’re going to feel this insecurity wantingto bond wanting reassurance and so you have to use that time to say give it some space and fillmyself up with other kinds of love and support so you’re not so needy because romance is just onelove vitamin friendship is another self-love is another work is another so this is like whenyou find yourself wanting to be reassured in that second stage i don’t know i don’t knowwhen you’re looking to him to give you reassurance that’s when you need to say not the timeto figure out whether he’s right or wrong time to do other things that i enjoy so i’mnot needy when i’m with him and send him a little message if he hasn’t called you in acouple of weeks after that great weekend just show a picture of you being happy andjust thinking what a great time we had and leave it at that he’s afraid because he’salready been through this 50 pulling away from a woman coming back to her and having her slap hishand why didn’t you call why weren’t you there why did you disappear he disappeared because heliterally temporarily forgot you it just got busy with other things and you know some men are veryneedy they don’t pull away and then they they’re insecure and that that’s another problem wheremen are too feminized but your typical guy once he has sex he’s going to pull away you’re going tostart feeling needy because you just bonded with this guy very much your estrogen levels went wayup estrogen’s the bonding hormone for women so so you’ll have a little back and forth insecuritiesfill yourself up but at a certain point you’ll be together and you go yeah he’s he’s right for meand you’re ready to be in a committed relationship now committed relationship is when you’rebasically not having sex with anybody else so if you have sex with him my suggestion is are youin a committed relationship with me meaning you’re not having sex with anybody else there’s no wayhe’ll ever grow in bonding with you if he’s having sex with you and other women it just prevents thebond from being there because he starts to have a bond pulls away gets back that’s how it growsit’s kind of like back and forth back and forth but every time he pulls away if he goes overthere then he has to start all over with you again just let it go slow and since leading him on alittle bit a little bit more a little bit more we’re used to baseball first balls first basesecond base third base home run you know we have patience just have to keep giving us the messagethat we make you happy and you need to go slow all right having said all that that’s youget through this uncertainty stage and now you want to have sex and this is often how youcan bring up the conversation at that point uh you want to say to him at the time wherehe’s talking about sex or starting to have sex is you know i really need to go sex with goslow with sex and but i’m getting really ready to have it but i’m not ready to have sexif you’re gonna have sex with anybody else because for me to really have an orgasm i need tofeel i’m the only one and that’s true you need to feel that you’re the only one there’s nobodyelse sharing this that’s called special love that’s called romantic love a lot of sort of newagers all go oh we shouldn’t have special love we should have free love and love everybody you knowwhat free love is and i’m saying this to the men free love is where you don’t have to lustafter any other woman that doesn’t want you free love is where you are free to have sexwith a person who loves you why would i want to be with somebody who doesn’t even loveme doesn’t care about me this is just monkey reactions inside of us rise above it and what youfind is having a partner you’re monogamous with with if you know how to have sex is freedom you’refree from desiring anybody you have what you want now what happens as soon as a man says yesi’m in a monogamous relationship with you statistics there’s studies on this as soon as aman says i’m monogamous his testosterone goes down that’s what happens now at that point at thatpoint now before i knew about hormones and everything that i talk about and beyond marsand venus what i would say in my dating book is he becomes lazy this is what happens to men assoon as they achieve the goal it’s like okay now i don’t have to do all that stuff okay so that’sanother big mistake this is where we sabotage yeah this is a big mistake this is how wesabotage so now she’s gonna sense he’s lazy and so what she’s gonna do is give more to tryto bring him back that’s the way she sabotages don’t give more give less in a friendly way justsee him less time you know just like he wants to go out and oh i’m really busy i have to go dothis but i want to get together with you soon you don’t you don’t compensate and try togive more love when he’s giving less to you you compensate by realizing not with resentmentyou realize with i don’t want to poison him by giving him more than he’s giving me interesting idon’t want to poison it when you give a man more to get him to do somethingfor you you’re poisoning him you’re making him weak you think you’re beingloving you’re poisoning him just understand that that’s toxic love is where you’regiving a man love to get him to love you and most everybody who’s divorced has a bit oftoxic love when they say i gave and gave and didn’t get back so you gave thinking you’re goingto get back from it you’re giving to get men need to give to get that’s not toxic that’s why youwant a man who wants you more than you want him he works harder he tries harder and as soonas you commit he goes okay now i don’t have to do anything well john you i oh my goshthis time our time is going by so fast okay let me quickly go through the last twostages of day so now you’re you’re watching you’re ps and q’s here women you have to learn howto ask for help you have to learn how not to nag and complain because once you stop gettingfrom him you try to get by complaining you get addicted to complaining most women bythe time they get to 50 have an addiction to complaining as a way of getting what you wantit’s just your brain has been wired that way that’s why when you read my books you’ll see howwhen you complain to your husband that’s why he became lazier and lazier and lazier and why didyou complain because he got lazier and lazier it’s always you know chicken and egg it goesback and forth i don’t want to blame either side but each side is responsible in some waythings just don’t fall out of the sky you put yourself there okay so here we have wewe have the the dating stage the commitment stage okay that’s where you have to practice notgiving more and learning how to ask for help okay and and don’t just youknow be accepting of everything have an accepting attitude but ask for more insmall increments with big rewards and that’s an art ask for more in small increments with bigrewards why do i say big rewards because if you have to ask often women go why ask why should ihave to appreciate him he should have just done it i know we’re screwed up that way we’re allmessed up so you’re in the committed stage of relationship and now he’s monogamous and you’rehaving regular good sex together sex opens up deeper stuff okay suddenly insecurities doubtsthis is a deeper like your childhood issues will start to come up and when they come up they don’tcome up saying this is my a woman if they come up for her and it would be they don’t come up sayinghey this is your unresolved feelings about daddy who was mistreating mom this is like you ignoringme we add the the potency of these wounds inside of us these bruises inside of us these littletraumas are big traumas they begin to come up once you have commitment yeah okay you sabotageso now you’re not giving more you’re feeling you’re receiving more when you receive more lovethan you would get normally everything inside of you that’s unable to receive love comes up so arelationship your partner eventually at this stage will start to push your buttons and things thatwould normally not upset you do and that’s where you have to have personal responsibility to sharewhat you feel in a non-blaming way and reveal what you feel so start being more intimate revealingmore of what you would never say at work to people like what i’m so embarrassed i said this are sofrustrated with so i just get so angry with this person they just say this and this and this soyou feel free to express emotions and give words to emotions it’s a very important thing we justget emotional that’s just reactive now for a woman intimacy is letting him see inside of you yourminds your thoughts your emotions and your body that you would never show anybody else okay that’sthat’s what intimacy is into me see and you do it in gradual stages now for men intimacy is notthat it’s not about seeing deeper into him when a man gets to intimacy what’s going to happen ishe’s going to start overreacting to things her you know her reactions which might be not so lovingmight be a critical look a disappointed look a frustration or just simply she’s having a bad dayand it’s not about him at all but he finds himself taking taking it personally that’s going to happenin stage four as we start taking things personally and what he needs to have is the is the knowledgehow not to express his feelings at that time see so what i’m telling women when your buttonsare getting pushed talk about other things that push your buttons and that’s how you process yourfeelings not him pushing your buttons okay very important it always seems like it’s their faultit doesn’t say these are my stuffed feelings from the day my stressful day no you left your shoes inthe living room you expect me to pick them up you drank the orange juice out of the grocery out ofthe refrigerator you didn’t think of me you know you you didn’t call me why didn’t you call me oryou know oh something really good happened i i got this great investment when yesterday you didn’ttell me before today who else did you tell first i mean this is like stuff we get upset about butsee this is our child we become like children in our reactions she needs to manage her emotionslike an adult which is reveal the feelings that are not about him train him where he can thenunderstand the feelings that are about him but it takes time to do that and for him when thosefeelings come up do not argue do not throw them on her take a long time to process your emotionsmen have to learn how to deal with their emotions alone not to throw them on their partner very veryimportant and of course psychology teaches all men oh you need to talk about your feelings and shesees him all upset and she says what is it you’re feeling we need to talk about it you need to tellme what you’re feeling no no he needs to handle his feelings himself you’re not his mother you’renot his therapist a lot of men would like to hear this we’ll appreciate hearing that because you’reright yeah we’ve been conditioned to do that to do what to make try to makeget men to express their feelings that’s right it’s the worst thing see ifa man if a man is upset okay something pushed my button i’m now upset you see i’mreacting i’m angry i’m irritated i’m annoyed i’m frustrated okay any of that stuff so i’msitting there and i’m frowning okay what is it you’re feeling she thinks because if she’s upsetand i can actually listen to her her estrogen will go up her stress will go down if you listen to myfeelings my estrogen goes up and i’m more stressed so in intimacy stage you have to learn howto share your emotions if you’re a woman not about him but about other things and thenyou share your positive emotions about him which would be things like i love you so muchsaying to him do you love me do you need me i love you i can’t bear to be without you i’m solucky to have you see those are the feelings of love we don’t verbalize it except once women needreassurance at this stage a lot of reassurance and she has to explain to men i get it honey youdon’t need reassurance but don’t you like it if if you do something successful and i go wowwhat a great great idea you had it wasn’t that wonderful you did that or i’m so lucky tobe married to you you worked so hard for me anything like that don’t you like to hear that hesays yeah i like to hear that and if he says no i don’t like to hear it i said okay that’s all rightbut i like to hear it but i don’t really need to tell me how great i am at things just tell me howbeautiful i am tell me how much you love me you know and this poor woman who’s been a feminist shecan’t even say tell me how beautiful i am because then you love me because i have a beautiful bodyyou know our beautiful smile or a beautiful hair of course he loves you because you have abeautiful body and beautiful hair and beautiful smile and then as she gets older you let her knowhoney you’re the most beautiful woman in the world to me certainly there’s younger more beautifulwomen on one perspective but they don’t love me you’re the most beautiful you’re the only onei want to be with you’re the everyday oh honey there’s so many beautiful women but you’re theone i want to be with you’re so beautiful to me wouldn’t that be wonderful to hear yes we haveto learn how to say these things not just once again and again intimacy stage sheneeds reassurance and he needs to not express his negative emotions he needs to learnhow to express his positive emotions when he feels them and go to his cave to process hisnegative emotions so that’s intimacy big battles now once you start feeling at ease with intimacyand it won’t be so hard if you haven’t had sex right since the beginning see people have sexright in the beginning all that stuff comes up that’s why you go slow with it you getthe commitment first you go to the agency this is stage four and people always say how longdoes it take for every stage the younger you are the longer you should spend on them could be acouple of years i mean you know it could be for the intimacy stage sex could come after i don’tknow six months or a year or something like that but when you’re older you can go through themfaster if you have a sense of maturity and you’re not blaming your last partner that’s a good pointthere’s a great deal if you’re still blaming your partner not trusting men or not trusting womenyou’re not ready you should just be in stage one a series of positive dating experiences to help openyour heart again okay now you’re in stage four intimacy and you’re able to take responsibilityfor your buttons being pushed now i know i’d say 99 of the population would never make itthrough this stage if you follow my advice they they blame their partner for their buttonsit’s not about it’s not about you it’s about me it’s about we gotta learn how to do thatthen you really are ready to have a long-lasting relationship that’s stage five stage five is iwanna marry you now even in stage one you might feel i wanna marry you but you don’t take itseriously you get to you’ve seen the best of your partner and the worst of your partner and youstill want to marry them now there’s a lot more on that how do you get a guy to say you’re married imean there’s a lot in there i’ll put that to the book because it’s a long story but in the stageof dating all the way up to stage five don’t rush the marriage thing once you get the proposal don’trush the marriage thing because before you move in and i know everybody gets moves in before they’remarried but we’ll talk about optimal things you didn’t move in but at least if you are moved inyou’re still not married once you get married women i’m talking to women you lose your power tochange the arrangement in any way okay this is it meant when they’re in that stage of i proposeto i want to marry you that’s when you start uh solving little problems instead of big problemslike how are we going to balance our money how are we going to live in one house together whatfurniture what decoration are we going to have how do we raise our these are really big thingsif you’re different how do you find those so when you’re in the dating particularly if you’re notliving together but let’s just say the idea is not living together for the point i’m going to make isthat then you’re not making big decisions together you’re making little decisions and you haveconflict over little things and you resolve it and you learn how to disagree on things havelittle spats and then you resolve it just like in in the very beginning you can have little spatsbefore you’re having sex it’s easy to resolve sex makes everything way more intense andthen being married makes everything even more intense so often women sort of wait untilthey’re married before they say how they want things he they want from him okay which isyou know i’d like you to not drink so much i’d like you to spend more time with the kidsyou know i’d like you to be home more i don’t want you to have friends see women go throughin their mind there’s a whole set of things that now everything’s going to change once weget married and it does because of this exactly what you’re what you’re describingthat’s why it does that makes so much sense explain to me what you heard what i just heardwas that assuming that there’s a mindset that a woman takes on once you’re married that isdifferent than than before because now you’re in a you’re in a in a permanent relationshipbut it’s not that’s why we get divorced that’s right see this so there’s a graduallearning how to negotiate things when they’re not big problems she tends to wait for marriageto happen and then she’s got a set of rules right that where i first saw that idea so clearlywas uh i was doing an oprah show okay i did 18 oprah shows i used to be her coach you knowthis was a big thing in the 90s yes so there was this woman and she was really unhappy with herhusband and and oprah said okay so why are you so unhappy with your husband and she says well everyweek you know he wants to go out with the guys you know twice a week he goes out with theguys and we’re married he can’t do that and it’s like well when did when did you tell him thatwhen you get married you can’t go out with the guys and what’s wrong with going out with the guysbut she she had this whole idea of once you’re married there’s this whole set of expectations ofmen and how you should be and what you should do long before that those things have to be sortof hashed out in smaller ways you know he’s going out with the guys really you need to gowith the guys how often you need to go with the guys he says well you know sometimes i need togo play basketball otherwise i i start feeling awful you know this is i read john gray’s book menneed their cave time so i need to like take some time apart and get time to get dead so you try outall these things not wait till you’re married and then suddenly you’re like you should do this andyou should do this such unrealistic expectations you know it’s uh it’s good to practice asking forwhat you want if you’re a woman in the engagement period particularly that you feel very comfortablehaving disagreements being able to resolve them being able to ask what you want as opposed toonce we’re married i can ask him to do that once once we’re married that will change you know justonce we’re married he’ll drink less you know once he’s married he’ll stay home more once he’smarried you know he won’t want to argue with me about things however it might be there’s a lot ofthings that come up there like a surprise to a guy now from the guy’s point of view just becauseyou get married don’t think that now you can be mr lazy again it’s sort of the same idea when aguy gets in a committed relationship he gets lazy when he gets married he gets even lazierand that’s shown up in hormone tests hormone tests is that single men have highertestosterone levels than committed men and committed relationships have next it drops alittle bit more okay it drops from the single guy then he gets married and it drops from thereand then he has children and it drops from there now does it have to drop no i’m almost 70 yearsold and i have testosterone 50 higher than when i was a young man and that’s because i basicallyunderstand i’m a guy i need my cave time i need to it’s like for me right now with covet i don’t haveall my challenges men have to overcome challenges to build testosterone i used to travel you knowi’d be waiting in a line at the airport and i’d be frustrated why is this going so slow why do theyhave this stupid line anyway why are they having all this security and i keep saying let it go letit go you got plenty of time see what i’m doing is fighting battles all the time the world is astupid place people do stupid things so i have to deal with people’s stupidity all that there isit’s like ridiculous all the things people say or do or whatever and so i have to deal with thatand come back to being loving so i’m exercising my willpower and being loving and loving wellif i’m not doing that all day i get too soft and suddenly my reactions just come out if i’m ina relationship so men who are out there fighting that battle they’re keeping their testosteroneup by not feeling victimized you know i can solve this problem i solved this problem i solvedthis problem i’m not victimized whenever you feel victimized your estrogen levels go up that’s whywomen could get addicted to feeling victimized that’s complaining complaining as alwaysi’m the victim i gave more than i got it said that that has been proven in mri scansthat that is producing high levels of dopamine so the flip side of complaining is learninghow to love and how to ask for help in small increments and get it and that should beenwhat you learned in those last three stages of committed relationship now you’re asking formore in small increments making sure you don’t give more and deeper intimacy you’re learninghow to not demand more from him because it’s your buttons are being pushed see when yourbuttons get pushed you always are dissatisfied with your partner they should do more howto not be so demanding and then now in your in the year while you’re planning to get marriedyou’re practicing negotiating how to negotiate things without getting your buttons pushed i meani’ve had women who not want to get married to a guy because he wasn’t interested in the marriageplans he says you handle it honey whatever you want is fine with me well why she he doesn’tcare it’s my dream i care i care he’s a guy he dreams of getting a a bmw you know he doesn’tdream of wedding gowns and whatever wedding cake yeah wedding cake that’s not his thing soyou you learn to accept differences during that stage because you have that this wonderful thingto look forward to this marriage so it’s easier to negotiate things to learn about your differencesthat’s the best time to practice relationship skills then you get married and then you’llstart going through your five stages over again if you rush through them don’t worryyou’ll go through them again and again till you get it all done john thank you so muchfor all your time today great great conversation that’s going to help can i say one final youcan say whatever you want it’s a it’s a delicacy whenever the hard thing about hearing that i’mpartially responsible for the problems in my life is that then we go to the next mistake andwe go then i deserve the pain that i suffered you never deserve the pain that you sufferedno one deserves that everyone deserves to be forgiven to be loved so and it was jerry jampolskyin his wonderful book love is letting go of fear he’s a friend of mine and um one ofhis definitions of forgiveness is looking into the past and realizingit couldn’t have been any different is that we always do our best based uponthe knowledge and the circumstances we find ourselves in it’s a sweet wayof looking at and what oprah told me she her favorite phrase was you know resentingyour partner or presenting something in your past is giving that person free spacein your brain to torment you yeah let it go let it go and that’s reallywhat we’re all learning today is trying to be in present time and and and continuing to letgo let go come back into present time john i’ll i guess before i close out i’ll ask you is thereanything else you want to add well the only thing i want to add is that every man can listen towhat you just said when your wife’s talking to you and it seems like she’s finished you say toher and is there anything else you want to tell me that’s what i wanted to tellyou thank you john thank you so much we’ll link to everything it wasan absolute pleasure talking with you and always always thank you we’llsee you next time on second act tv bye-bye please be sure to subscribe to our channeland if there’s a topic that you’d like to have us cover please visit our websitesecond act dot tv there’s a little red suggestion box in the upper right handcorner of our site just click on that send us a line we’d love tohear from you see you next time

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